Ok. I said no more posts for awhile. But I couldn’t leave it the way it was. How depressing. How dark. How….not me. Most days, I am an annoyingly positive person. I could find the bright side in a sexually transmitted disease- “Hey, at least you got laid!” (Note: I have never had an STD.)
I have been reading this hilarious book called Moranthology by Caitlin Moran. I ran across this quote and it really spoke to me:
“However many terrible, rankling, peeve-inducing things may occur, there are always libraries. And rain-falling-on-sea. And the moon. And love. There is always something to look back on, with satisfaction, or forward to, with joy. There is always a moment where you boggle at the world- at yourself- at the whole, unlikely, precarious business of being alive- an then start laughing.”
I went a little batshit this weekend. Not like naked, tin-foil hat, shield-the-children crazy. Just cleaning binge, antisocial, rant writing, Big Love marathon crazy. After canceling a pedicure date with a girlfriend, I resumed painting my baseboards in my underwear and feeling sorry for myself.
Knock knock knock. Oh shit, someone is a the door. I recognize those coral shorts. My date, Lala, has come calling despite my rejecting her advances. The blinds are up on the window. She probably saw me. I can’t pretend I’m not here. Fuck fuck fuck.
I open the door in my paint covered undies. I am met with pink champagne and a hug. In my mind, I imagine she must be recalling that scene in Bridesmaids where Melissa McCarthy shows up for a similar “get it together” chat with Kristin Wiig and tells her “you have got to wash that hair.” I leave Lala to find glasses while I retrieve some pants.
Two more friends arrive and it is a full on “Welcome To My Meltdown” party.
Ok, I got my feelings hurt over my movie getting lost in the Facebook shuffle. I wrote a horrible, long-winded rant. In crazy mindset, I wrote it to explain what I was feeling to people who might care to know. In reality it was sort of a neon arrow sign pointing at my head with the words “losing it” flashing on and off.
I talked with my girlfriends while listening to some Chaka Khan. As you may have guessed, the rant is not really about the movie- although I did really like it and wanted other people to like it too. Mostly, I am feeling a little lost with my kids being in school all day. I like them. I enjoy hanging out with them.
Them going to school also signals that I need to figure out what my next move is going to be. Am I going to finish my teaching degree? Am I going to pursue something else? What am I good at? What kind of a job would I enjoy, would give me the flexibility I need with my kids, and would also be worth my time financially speaking?
I have time to determine my plans, but you know how those things can steamroll and start to roll over you. I’m depressed. I’m missing my kids. I’m dealing with their stress from school on top of my own. Its too hot to exercise. I’m adjusting to a new routine and not eating right. I have “free” time in the morning now, so I must use it as efficiently as I can- that means organizing everything, doing all the chores that have been put off, and doing it all RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes it takes an outside voice to tell you the things you already know. I realize I don’t have to figure out everything TODAY. That in a few weeks, my kids and I will have adjusted to our routines and won’t feel torn at the seams to be away from each other. That I can tackle tasks but also take a little time for myself, especially to work out since that is one of my main coping mechanisms. I KNEW all of that- but I didn’t really hear it until my girlfriends said it.
Yesterday, another friend wrote me a very nice message about how much she enjoyed my blog because it made her feel like she could be a good mother even if she wasn’t perfect. I feel a little silly about my previous rant. I never wanted to be one of those “I’m signing off Facebook forever! Goodbye cruel cyber-world” types. But it happened. And you know what- yeah, its ok to go a little bizerk and have your entire friends list know about it. With any luck, it got lost in the stream like my movie 🙂
Maybe I’ll write more, maybe I won’t. Today is a new day and who knows what the future may hold.
Ok, I have go wash my straight jacket and clean some shit from the walls.
Be kind and give love!