I am disconnected during the initial poses. I stretch my arms overhead and my mind begins to wander. I limit my distractions by closing my eyes. I would describe the sensation as mentally experiencing a television on static. Buzz, buzz, buzzing. Every minute or so, I feel a jolt- as if I am zapped by a miniscule bolt of electricity that allows everything to pause for just a moment. A brief second of total stillness should be a welcome respite, but the sensation is like being shocked without pain. It is disconcerting and I have this feeling often.
By then end of the session, I am able to relax. I melt into the floor during shivasina with relief, my mind finally slowed enough to focus. This is what keeps me coming back. I count my breath and every once in awhile, find myself lost in a moment where everything else falls away. Of course, i quickly realize what has happened and the moment is ruined, but for a second, peace unfolds. Even if I can’t grasp it, a small bit of it remains with me throughout the day.
Earlier this week, I created a Word document titled “writing subjects.” I wanted to create a record of writing ideas so I would not forget them. Like every other person on Earth, I’m busy. Life gets in the way of creative pursuits.
After finding a millisecond of peace today, I thought “this is my reality. I can make documents and wait for the perfect time, the ideal way to word an entire story. Or I can write, brief and in the moment, thoughts to commemorate joy.”
Who knows if the perfect time will come? I want to be in the moment. Here goes.
Liam climbed on top of the monkey bars for the first time. Ben and I watched from a park bench. He sat on top of the bars, lifted his head and crowed- just like a Lost Boy from Peter Pan. I wish I could write what it sounded like.. High pitched, full of glee, bursting with pride and strength. It was glorious.
Kellen and I play a game. I make my hand move like the mouth of a puppet, and then make sounds like a trumpet playing- as if the trumpet/puppet is singing to him. He moves his hand and answers with his own song- a conversation. When he is content, he hugs my puppet hand as if it is a person. We usually play this game at bedtime, as I hold him on my lap in his rocking chair. The other night he said “You can also do it like this,” and made a completely different sound- a rat a tat tat drum noise. He improvised! He changed the game! I didn’t think it was possible, but my love for him grew even more.
For some unknown reason, I thought of Simona. She used to visit the office I worked in, selling homemade burritos she prepared fresh each day. I was always amazed by her diligence and her spirit. She worked hard. She used the skills she had. She earned an honest living and always shared a smile. One year at Christmas time, a coworker gave her a $20 tip. She hugged him with so much love, just sitting near them, I felt it. Yes, I’m sure she appreciated the money. More than that, she seemed happy that someone noticed her hard work and appreciated it. I can still hear her voice booming “Burritos! Who wants a burrito?” I hope she is doing well.
I have lots of other stories bumping into each other in my mind, fighting for space. But it is time to return to reality. Yoga is over. The post-class beer is almost gone. Hopefully the zen will last through the day.