Health by Way of Force

Want to get a great betting pool going- how long before I pass out in a sheet cake?

I am attempting to drastically limit grains, dairy, and processed foods.  It is not because I believe those foods are agents of sin, necessarily (sin, delicious sin).  It is because if I have the option of eating them, I will eat nothing else.

I imagine most people attempt to change their eating habits by making healthier choices- opting for a yogurt and fresh fruit instead of french toast.  I still want to eat the crap, just in smaller quantities.  Which means, I start the day with one cookie, starve myself for most of the day, then eat ten cookies directly before bed.

I noticed that the veggies I pack in my son’s lunch almost always end up returning home.  At dinner, we force the kids to eat one bite of everything on the plate.  That translates to one bite of vegetables a day.  If I want them to eat more veggies, I need to follow suit.  But if I have the option of anything else- stale goldfish found in the couch cushions, one of those petrified fries wedged behind the car seat- I will eat it.  I’ve eaten more vegetables in last two days than I’ve eaten in the last month, because when you eliminate grains, dairy, and prepackaged, there is not much left to fill your plate, and I need to eat, dammit!

I haven’t completely lost my mind.  I still put cream and sugar in my coffee.  I could opt for soy milk, but let’s face- soy milk is gross!  I’m going to my in-laws tonight and will be happy to eat whatever they are serving (fingers crossed it is something with cheese and bread and ends with a brownie, just to be polite). I am never going to be a person that considers fruit a dessert, but I’m hoping if I stick with this long enough, at least some of these healthy habits will stick with me- like a residue of soap scum that refuses to part ways with an ancient bathtub.

I always hate when someone goes on one of these kicks and then says things like “I feel AMAZING! I have so much more energy now.”  But two days in, I do have more energy.  I’m not so sure that is a good thing.  I feel on edge, like I’ve drank ten cups of coffee.  My body is rebelling against the vitamins and minerals.  I’m clenching my teeth.  My eyes are darting.  Everything is itchy.  I need to level out!  Give me a cupcake so I can come down, man!

Also, I have to eat about every two minutes.  I just ate half a green apple (don’t want to gorge myself) and I feel like all that did was remind me that I’m hungry.  I probably burned through those calories typing the word apple.  So, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make a beet, bean, and spinach salad before my stomach implodes (it’s actually really good).

If you’re a betting man, I’d put my money on Friday night for that sheet cake.

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