Dear God, give me fluff! This mopey, whiny bullshit- FUCK THAT! It is not me.
I know, I am all over the place. Excuse me for that. I am not sure to what I am to attribute this path of self-loathing, but whatever the reason, I don’t like it. It’s not me. Or it’s not the person I like or want to be.
The beauty of a blog is the tangible means to chronicle your story. At an event tonight, I was telling a girlfriend that I think I fall into some sort of pit of self loathing ever year around my birthday. But the proof is not there. Looking back through my blog, I found this:
Thank you, thank you to my younger self for keeping me in line. I see these words and THIS is who I want to be:
“While all birthdays cause me to reflect on life, 40 feels significant. Statistically, it’s all downhill from here. How many days do I have left to enjoy this existence? One? A thousand? Thousands? It IS going to end. Will I make the most of my opportunities for wonder, or will I squander them to my ego?”
I spoke with a girlfriend this week, commiserating on the weight issue we have long struggled with. For her, she needs the harsh voice- the one to give her a little bit of a reality check. The one that puts in bluntly “get back in line.” I get that. I do. Sometimes we need the brutally honest.
But, I am a bright sider. I love me some sunshine. As has been noted in the past, I like the fluff. I am the person who says “You are ok exactly as you are!” I like that person. When did I lose sight of her?
I’m crazy. And too out spoken. And in need of approval. But I am also an advocate of acceptance. I am a believer in being kind to yourself, a lover of flaws. I am fluffy!
I hand myself over to change but also to acceptance. I am the person who wrote “The 40 Year Manifesto” not the person who has wallowed in self hatred for the last few days on end.
I am beautiful. I am loved. I am flawed and ok and willing to learn. These last few days are just another opportunity to to see myself as I am, and to forge a path for acceptance. Good, bad, imperfect, insecure, hoping for hope, I am me.