Bring Back the Fluff

Dear God, give me fluff!  This mopey, whiny bullshit- FUCK THAT! It is not me.

I know, I am all over the place.  Excuse me for that.  I am not sure to what I am to attribute this path of self-loathing, but whatever the reason, I don’t like it. It’s not me.  Or it’s not the person I like or want to be.

The beauty of a blog is the tangible means to chronicle your story.  At an event tonight, I was telling a girlfriend that I think I fall into some sort of pit of self loathing ever year around my birthday.  But the proof is not there.  Looking back through my blog, I found this:

Thank you, thank you to my younger self for keeping me in line.  I see these words and THIS is who I want to be:

“While all birthdays cause me to reflect on life, 40 feels significant.  Statistically, it’s all downhill from here.  How many days do I have left to enjoy this existence?  One? A thousand?  Thousands?  It IS going to end.  Will I make the most of my opportunities for wonder, or will I squander them to my ego?”

I spoke with a girlfriend this week, commiserating on the weight issue we have long struggled with.  For her, she needs the harsh voice- the one to give her a little bit of a reality check.  The one that puts in bluntly “get back in line.”  I get that.  I do.  Sometimes we need the brutally honest.

But, I am a bright sider. I love me some sunshine.  As has been noted in the past, I like the fluff.  I am the person who says “You are ok exactly as you are!” I like that person.  When did I lose sight of her?

I’m crazy.  And too out spoken.  And in need of approval.  But I am also an advocate of acceptance.  I am a believer in being kind to yourself, a lover of flaws.  I am fluffy!

I hand myself over to change but also to acceptance.  I am the person who wrote “The 40 Year Manifesto” not the person who has wallowed in self hatred for the last few days on end.

I am beautiful.  I am loved.  I am flawed and ok and willing to learn.  These last few days are just another opportunity to to see myself as I am, and to forge a path for acceptance.  Good, bad, imperfect, insecure, hoping for hope, I am me.

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