This post is for me, not for you- ok, that’s most of my writing. But I imagine this post might be boring for the reader, so feel free to peruse a People magazine or play Candy Crush or something.
Today, I had breakfast with a couple of my best girlfriends. As I teared up into my latte at an offhanded comment, they intuited that I might still be feeling a bit blue. We talked a bit, and one of them said a few things that stuck with me.
First, she said that perhaps my loathing was a coping mechanism. The way she finds comfort in food indulgence, I find comfort in loathing. I’ve been mulling over a few things from my past that I won’t get into, but I began to wonder if the self loathing is a way to not have to deal with these other issues.
Second, she said I should work on retraining my brain. Every time I think something negative about myself, to immediately tell myself the truth. I have an amazing life. I have a great family. I’m smart. I’m healthy. I’m creative. I’m surrounded by friends. I liked that it wasn’t about giving myself a pep talk- she was referring to not letting this negative lie I fold myself into blanket over the truth about my actual existence.
To that effort, I decided to write this progress report- a reminder to look over when I need it. I started to write it yesterday, then told myself that I didn’t need to write yet another self absorbed blog. But I’m still working through something here. It doesn’t happen over night, at least not for me. Sometimes depression is a mother fucker.
Ok, the progress report.
Yesterday, I received a call for entries, and immediately began to catalog what I could submit. My first response was not to think “I could never get in that magazine. I’m not a real writer. Why bother.” I believe I can get things published and what I have to say has some merit. That is leaps and bounds from where I was ten years ago.
I am starting new college courses on Monday, hopefully the last to fulfill the requirements to get into the program I want. I didn’t go to college out of high school because I was scared of failure. I’m not scared anymore.
I celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary this year. I have navigated a relationship successfully for more than a decade. I have found someone who can put up with my bullshit, and me with his.
I try my very best to be a good mother. There is no guarantee my kids will not grow up to be assholes. I’m certainly not doing everything right as a parent. But I believe my children know I love them without limits and will support them until I take my last breath.
I am a maker of things. I may not be the most skilled crafter or artist, but if my kid needs a costume, I can get it done. When presented with a creative challenge, I usually find a way to make it work.
I am willing to put my work out there. I post my doodles and photographs for the world to see. I keep a public blog. I create music videos. For someone who wouldn’t sing in front of another person until I was 28, that is a big step.
I have great friends and am learning to be a better friend myself. I think the friends I have are really good people, and I don’t think they would hang out with me if I was a complete asshole. So I must have something to offer.
I lead a mostly healthy life. My scale doesn’t say what I would like. I wish my clothes were smaller. But I remain committed to fitness. Most meals I eat are healthy. I no longer stop at two fast food places every day to make a meal. My drinking has probably cut in half over recent months. If the scale doesn’t budge, its not from lack of trying.
I got up this morning and made my son’s lunch, took the other to preschool, met my girlfriends for breakfast, went for a run. Now I’m going to hang out with my kids, clean, and do all our normal activities. When depression hit in the past, I holed up in bed. I smoked pot, ordered take out, didn’t shower, watched movies, and cried. I can’t do that now. I get up, I keep going, I take care of business. I’m an adult.
I live a blessed life. I have the means to be home with my kids, which is what I want to do. I have the desire to further my education and challenge myself intellectually. I surround myself in music and art and crafts- I have the time to indulge in these activities. My kids are funny and healthy and inquisitive. I have a husband who loves and supports me. I have friends and family who always have my back. I have a strong body to carry me on my adventures.
I need to quit writing, quit crying and get back to it. You’ve had your time to mope. Now, get over it. Progress report complete. Read as needed.