The Progress Report

This post is for me, not for you- ok, that’s most of my writing.  But I imagine this post might be boring for the reader, so feel free to peruse a People magazine or play Candy Crush or something.

Today, I had breakfast with a couple of my best girlfriends.  As I teared up into my latte at an offhanded comment, they intuited that I might still be feeling a bit blue.  We talked a bit, and one of them said a few things that stuck with me.

First, she said that perhaps my loathing was a coping mechanism.  The way she finds comfort in food indulgence, I find comfort in loathing.  I’ve been mulling over a few things from my past that I won’t get into, but I began to wonder if the self loathing is a way to not have to deal with these other issues.

Second, she said I should work on retraining my brain.  Every time I think something negative about myself, to immediately tell myself the truth.  I have an amazing life.  I have a great family.  I’m smart.  I’m healthy.  I’m creative.  I’m surrounded by friends.  I liked that it wasn’t about giving myself a pep talk- she was referring to not letting this negative lie I fold myself into blanket over the truth about my actual existence.

To that effort, I decided to write this progress report- a reminder to look over when I need it.  I started to write it yesterday, then told myself that I didn’t need to write yet another self absorbed blog.  But I’m still working through something here.  It doesn’t happen over night, at least not for me.  Sometimes depression is a mother fucker.

Ok, the progress report.

Yesterday, I received a call for entries, and immediately began to catalog what I could submit.  My first response was not to think “I could never get in that magazine.  I’m not a real writer.  Why bother.”  I believe I can get things published and what I have to say has some merit.  That is leaps and bounds from where I was ten years ago.

I am starting new college courses on Monday, hopefully the last to fulfill the requirements to get into the program I want.  I didn’t go to college out of high school because I was scared of failure.  I’m not scared anymore.

I celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary this year.  I have navigated a relationship successfully for more than a decade.  I have found someone who can put up with my bullshit, and me with his.

I try my very best to be a good mother.  There is no guarantee my kids will not grow up to be assholes.  I’m certainly not doing everything right as a parent.  But I believe my children know I love them without limits and will support them until I take my last breath.

I am a maker of things.  I may not be the most skilled crafter or artist, but if my kid needs a costume, I can get it done.  When presented with a creative challenge, I usually find a way to make it work.

I am willing to put my work out there.  I post my doodles and photographs for the world to see.  I keep a public blog.  I create music videos.  For someone who wouldn’t sing in front of another person until I was 28, that is a big step.

I have great friends and am learning to be a better friend myself.  I think the friends I have are really good people, and I don’t think they would hang out with me if I was a complete asshole.  So I must have something to offer.

I lead a mostly healthy life.  My scale doesn’t say what I would like.  I wish my clothes were smaller.  But I remain committed to fitness.  Most meals I eat are healthy.  I no longer stop at two fast food places every day to make a meal.  My drinking has probably cut in half over recent months.  If the scale doesn’t budge, its not from lack of trying.

I got up this morning and made my son’s lunch, took the other to preschool, met my girlfriends for breakfast, went for a run.  Now I’m going to hang out with my kids, clean, and do all our normal activities.  When depression hit in the past, I holed up in bed.  I smoked pot, ordered take out, didn’t shower, watched movies, and cried.  I can’t do that now.  I get up, I keep going, I take care of business.  I’m an adult.

I live a blessed life.  I have the means to be home with my kids, which is what I want to do.  I have the desire to further my education and challenge myself intellectually.  I surround myself in music and art and crafts- I have the time to indulge in these activities.  My kids are funny and healthy and inquisitive.  I have a husband who loves and supports me.  I have friends and family who always have my back.  I have a strong body to carry me on my adventures.

I need to quit writing, quit crying and get back to it.  You’ve had your time to mope.  Now, get over it.  Progress report complete.  Read as needed.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s