The Progress Report

This post is for me, not for you- ok, that’s most of my writing.  But I imagine this post might be boring for the reader, so feel free to peruse a People magazine or play Candy Crush or something.

Today, I had breakfast with a couple of my best girlfriends.  As I teared up into my latte at an offhanded comment, they intuited that I might still be feeling a bit blue.  We talked a bit, and one of them said a few things that stuck with me.

First, she said that perhaps my loathing was a coping mechanism.  The way she finds comfort in food indulgence, I find comfort in loathing.  I’ve been mulling over a few things from my past that I won’t get into, but I began to wonder if the self loathing is a way to not have to deal with these other issues.

Second, she said I should work on retraining my brain.  Every time I think something negative about myself, to immediately tell myself the truth.  I have an amazing life.  I have a great family.  I’m smart.  I’m healthy.  I’m creative.  I’m surrounded by friends.  I liked that it wasn’t about giving myself a pep talk- she was referring to not letting this negative lie I fold myself into blanket over the truth about my actual existence.

To that effort, I decided to write this progress report- a reminder to look over when I need it.  I started to write it yesterday, then told myself that I didn’t need to write yet another self absorbed blog.  But I’m still working through something here.  It doesn’t happen over night, at least not for me.  Sometimes depression is a mother fucker.

Ok, the progress report.

Yesterday, I received a call for entries, and immediately began to catalog what I could submit.  My first response was not to think “I could never get in that magazine.  I’m not a real writer.  Why bother.”  I believe I can get things published and what I have to say has some merit.  That is leaps and bounds from where I was ten years ago.

I am starting new college courses on Monday, hopefully the last to fulfill the requirements to get into the program I want.  I didn’t go to college out of high school because I was scared of failure.  I’m not scared anymore.

I celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary this year.  I have navigated a relationship successfully for more than a decade.  I have found someone who can put up with my bullshit, and me with his.

I try my very best to be a good mother.  There is no guarantee my kids will not grow up to be assholes.  I’m certainly not doing everything right as a parent.  But I believe my children know I love them without limits and will support them until I take my last breath.

I am a maker of things.  I may not be the most skilled crafter or artist, but if my kid needs a costume, I can get it done.  When presented with a creative challenge, I usually find a way to make it work.

I am willing to put my work out there.  I post my doodles and photographs for the world to see.  I keep a public blog.  I create music videos.  For someone who wouldn’t sing in front of another person until I was 28, that is a big step.

I have great friends and am learning to be a better friend myself.  I think the friends I have are really good people, and I don’t think they would hang out with me if I was a complete asshole.  So I must have something to offer.

I lead a mostly healthy life.  My scale doesn’t say what I would like.  I wish my clothes were smaller.  But I remain committed to fitness.  Most meals I eat are healthy.  I no longer stop at two fast food places every day to make a meal.  My drinking has probably cut in half over recent months.  If the scale doesn’t budge, its not from lack of trying.

I got up this morning and made my son’s lunch, took the other to preschool, met my girlfriends for breakfast, went for a run.  Now I’m going to hang out with my kids, clean, and do all our normal activities.  When depression hit in the past, I holed up in bed.  I smoked pot, ordered take out, didn’t shower, watched movies, and cried.  I can’t do that now.  I get up, I keep going, I take care of business.  I’m an adult.

I live a blessed life.  I have the means to be home with my kids, which is what I want to do.  I have the desire to further my education and challenge myself intellectually.  I surround myself in music and art and crafts- I have the time to indulge in these activities.  My kids are funny and healthy and inquisitive.  I have a husband who loves and supports me.  I have friends and family who always have my back.  I have a strong body to carry me on my adventures.

I need to quit writing, quit crying and get back to it.  You’ve had your time to mope.  Now, get over it.  Progress report complete.  Read as needed.

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